By Francis Ewherido
Some time ago, I read a story of a wannabe celeb who said she would end her relationship with her boyfriend if he farts in her presence. I said to myself that this one is not ready for marriage. She just wants to grab attention and trend. I am married. I also have friends who are older in matrimony. I know the reality. While I will not encourage a young man to use fart to welcome a girl he should be impressing, this girl is ignorant of life in matrimony. The thought of writing about it crossed my mind, but it sounded so immature and unnecessary that I forgot about it.
But earlier in the week, I stumbled on a female pastor telling the story of how the marriage of a young couple ended in divorce because the husband farted in the presence of his wife. If I tell my people this story back in Delta State, they will ask me in bemusement: “wait o, you mean say marriage scatter because the guy mess for front of im wife?”
The pastor said that not long after the couple returned from their honeymoon, the husband was in the sitting room watching television when the wife joined him and laid down with her head on his laps. Then the husband farted. The wife was not impressed and told the husband that he is from a barbaric background. Calling his family barbarians was too much for him to take and it triggered a series of actions that led to the divorce. Now, let’s dissect the matter.
“Farting, also known as flatulence, is a normal bodily function where gas is expelled from the digestive system through the anus. It occurs when your body releases gas which can be caused by various factors, including choices of food, swallowing of gas, and digestive processes. On the average, people pass gas eight to 25 times daily. Excessive farting may indicate an underlying health condition”. In the definition above, you noticed that farting is a “normal bodily function.” In other words, it is natural and in fact a very important and healthy function. So, why should it lead to divorce? The pastor gave her perspective and I am going to give mine.
My elder brother, who is now the Catholic Bishop of the Diocese of Warri, gave us (my wife and I) some pieces of advice when we were about to get married, but I only remember one: “respect each other’s family (the family we came from).” I am eternally grateful to him for that advice. It is a guide, a check and balance and one of my guiding principles in marriage. In marriage, things boil over sometimes and you say dumb and stupid things. Unfortunately, you may apologise, but you can’t take them back when calm returns. The harm has been done. The lady disrespected the husband’s family by calling them barbarians. It’s unacceptable. No level of provocation should make her do that. She went too far. Did the husband’s whole family fart in her face?
The other check and balance I have is James 3: 8. “But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.” In my bachelor days, if you annoyed me, I could inject you with some of my venom. It probably ended two previous relationships. My former fiancée acknowledged that I was not physically violent, but she said a woman would prefer physical violence to what came out of my mouth when I was angry. When my wife and I were courting, I was cautious because of my previous mistakes. In addition, I noticed that my wife is ultra-sensitive. I knew it was a waste of time thinking she would develop the antidote to my venom. I had to change. It’s been a battle adjusting. I am not yet there, but I have come a long way. Now, when I err or I am perceived to have erred, I apologise, even to my children. At this age, I just want my peace of mind.
My other guide is Apostle Paul’s admission: “If your brother or sister (spouse) is distressed because of what you eat (do), you are no longer acting in love. (Romans 14:15).” The quote does not talk about whether you are right or wrong. In other words, do not do anything that will cause your spouse pain or distress. It’s not easy. Sometimes I wonder why I should displease myself; why I cannot just do my own thing to make me happy? After all, this doesn’t really have anything to do with her. A peaceful and happy marriage requires so much sacrifice.
Let’s go back to the sequence of events. Farting during such a romantic moment when your wife’s head is on your laps is dumb and unromantic. You either hold it or excuse yourself and step out. The only problem is that you can get to the toilet and the gas has gone back into your system. But if you decide to fart, you can’t predict the intensity of the smell. Maybe, the husband’s fart smelt really bad; the more reason he should not have farted at that moment.
But there is something wrong with the courtship of this couple. They didn’t really get to know each other before marriage. They don’t seem to know their dos and don’ts. They don’t know their core values. If the courtship was thorough, he would not have committed this schoolboy error. Notwithstanding, a fart should not end a marriage. Many young people don’t understand the enormity of marriage. A fart cannot end the marriage of a couple who know what marriage is.
For many couples, especially those who have been married farting is not an issue. In fact, farting for some couples is fun and competition (whose fart is the loudest and “baddest”). For some couples, farting before each other is a sign of greater intimacy and bonding. Couples do naughty things behind closed doors. I went for a meeting and sat near these my two Urhobo big brothers, one from Olomu and the other from Agbarha-Otor, Delta State. They are serious businessmen worth billions, but at social gatherings, they are something else. I can’t recall how their discussion veered to farting in the presence of their wives. One said, “menabo bon iphien kwo (farting heavily in the presence of the wife),” and the other one concurred. I laughed and laughed until the muscles of my tummy tightened and I started feeling serious pains. Those two characters are fun to be with. They are great men, focused, and full of wisdom and life lessons.
Young people need to realise that marriage is a serious institution. Take your commitments and vows seriously. Ephemeral occurrences should not shake your marriage. Know what to take seriously and what to ignore. Farting is ephemeral and should be light-hearted. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. But you have to create your fun and enjoyment. Outsiders are not supposed to come and create it for you. But there are some girls who behave as if they don’t poo, not to talk of farting. Stop forming (fake life) before marriage. Marriage is real. Fake life is not good in marriage.
