By Francis Ewherido
I have previously written about the dangers of having a favourite or favourites among your children: only male child, first male child, eldest child, baby of the house, “the most intelligent child,” etc. The same process brought them into this world, so I do not really see any reason for the favourite child syndrome while raising them. I have unconsciously and consciously been a student of life for over five decades. It has shaped me and my worldview. I have seen men struggle to train their eldest sons with the hope that they would support their fathers to train their younger siblings. Some lived up to their fathers’ expectations while others graduated, got jobs, got married and started their own families. They never supported their parents to see the younger ones through school. In some families, this created a family of one bright star while the others ended up differently. Some younger siblings fought their way to success, while the success of other younger siblings was stillbirth. This is not a typical case of favourite child, but the parents inadvertently favoured one child.
I saw polygamous homes where the amebo (favouite wife) and her children got royal treatment. They did no wrong. The avwiorovwe (unfavoured wives) and their children were second class citizens. They got punished for misdemeanours while amebo and her children got away with murder. Some of the unfavoured children became the most successful children. Some let bygones be bygones while others abandoned their fathers in their old age. They were also not there for their less successful half-siblings. Favouritism created this bad blood.
A man educated his eldest daughter before his life was prematurely ended. His wish was to educate all his children and the eldest daughter knew. After her education, instead of fulfilling her father’s wish, she went into marriage. The younger siblings became eyoremo (nannies) to help her look after her children. Another man was smarter. He had two options: to train the eldest son so that he could join him to train the younger siblings or develop himself further and come back to continue single-handedly training all his children because he didn’t have the resources to do both simultaneously. The only snag was that the eldest son would lose some years in formal education while he’s away. But man was very observant man. He saw that his eldest son even though still pre-teen was very selfish. He felt the he might not be there for him and his younger children. He went ahead with his self-development. Predictably, the eldest son lost some years, but that single decision made his family a forest later with many iroko trees.
I cited the above examples for a reason. The late legendary Prof Chinua Achebe once told us during a public lecture at the University of Nigeria, Nsukka, that when we criticise our antecedents, we are not being disrespectful. We are only standing on their shouders to reach greater heights. That was about 40 years ago, but it’s timeless. So, when we talk about these people, we are not criticising them. We are only recounting things they did rightly and wrongly. Some of these people have died, but their actions are visible in the way the children they left behind live. Some of them reaped the fruits of their labour while those still alive are reaping the fruits. Some died very miserable. Some of these less favoured became more successful and never forgot how their parents treated them. Some let bygones be bygones while others are still bitter. There are some successful people who have refused to help their siblings and half-siblings because of their childhood experience. I don’t subscribe to that. One of my brothers taught me a valuable lesson. “If God has lifted you above your former tormentors and oppressors, support them if they need it. Do not repay evil with evil (Romans 12:17). God has already done it for you. Move on.
But what I saw over the years taught me the advantages a creating a level-playing field in the family. The same opportunities should be available to all your children. No child should feel superior or inferior to his/her siblings. Parenting should be hands-on. Every child is a different entity and you need to apply different approaches in dealing with each child based on their nature (traits they were born with) and nurture (what they learn as they grow within the home and external environment). To complicate matters today, the external environment has invaded the home environment via social and electronic media, making parenting more difficult. Parents of these days simply are in less control.
We now live in a world without borders and boundaries due to internet. Restricting children from internet is a retrogressive step because internet is a powerful learning tool. The benefits of internet are so massive that what children actually need is sensible use of internet. To ensure sensitive use of internet, I feel guiding your children on a journey of self-discovery can be very useful so that they have the self-discipline to self-censorship. Once that is achieved, some of these youngsters spend much of their time honing their skills and pursuing their passions, while misguided youngsters are surfing immoral or illegal websites and engaging in illegal activities.
Parenting GenZs is a different kettle of fish. In this era of internet, they know the online and social media more than the parents do. Many of them have vast knowledge, some more than the parents and this creates a problem. Knowledge is wonderful, but parents have more wisdom and experience than their children. That is why we say that what a child cannot see standing on a hill, an older person will see sitting in a valley. But the intoxicating nature of knowledge blinds some youngsters to this fact.
Parents and GenZs need more communication so that they can have a common ground. Parents should learn from their children’s new knowledge while the GenZs learn from their parents’ wisdom and experience. The relationship should be symbiotic. Some parents have accused their children of being cocky. Their knowledge is getting into their heads. More dialogue is needed between both parents and their GenZ children. Let everybody reason together. You can easily lose your children because some of them are single-minded. They need to be carefully managed, micro-managed, that is. One child differs from the other. That is partly why having a large family is not encouraged for couples just starting life now. It is not just about having enough resources anymore. These days, you need more time, more parenting skills and commitment.
It is okay to leave physical assets for your children, but the greatest assets are what you instill in them. They are the springboards that lift them to heights they desire. In some parts of Lagos, the houses some parents laboured to build and bequeath to their children have been sold. Some of the proceeds were used to indulge in drugs and unsustainable hedonistic lifestyles. If you see some of them, you will not know they had privileged upbringing. I know that what happens after you are gone is inconsequential to you, but do a good job while you are alive.
