By Francis Ewherido
Marriage is full of sh*t (violence, weird opinions, abominations and unacceptable conducts, etc). Marriages have them in varying degrees. The sh*t may be obvious or latent, big or small, but it’s there. Marital abuse is one of the sh*t in marriages. It comes in many forms: physical, sexual, financial, emotional, etc. Sometimes even the couples are not conscious of these abuses. The marital abuses that attract the most attention are physical abuses. Today’s article is necessitated by a story of physical abuse that I read recently. The victim was not only physically abused; he was also emotionally, verbally and financially abused, but let me focus on the physical abuse which is visible. It is the story of a commercial driver going through physical abuse by the wife. According to the story, if he comes home with less than N25,000 or N30,000 any day, the wife beats him up. This beating and verbal abuses sometimes take place in the presence of their children and neighbours.
Consequently, any time he closed early, he deliberately stayed out late before coming home because of fear of abuse.As I read the story, I started wondering why the wife was abusing the husband, and why the husband tolerated the abuse and humiliation. Is the wife the breadwinner and the owner of the vehicle? Or is the wife physically stronger? I could not fathom why he would tolerate the abuse. I can understand, although it is unacceptable to me, why some women stay in abusive marriages: financial security, their children, cultural factors, religious reasons, “what people will say if I left the marriage,” etc. But for a man, I am confounded. Some men will damn the consequences and leave an abusive marriage. Male ego will make some men leave the marriage. The woman will go back to her father’s house the day he hits or slaps some Urhobo/Isoko husbands. The marriage is over.
Ordinarily, marriage is deep. Every marriage, sometimes even yours, is a mystery. Even if you are close to the couple, your knowledge of what goes on in there is limited because uwevwirohwofabeno (it is difficult to understand the inner workings of another person’s house). Therefore, I would not know why this man is staying in a marriage where he is going through such abuse and humiliation.
As a child growing up, my mother mentored some younger women who were in abusive marriages: It was obvious from their occasional swollen lips and faces, bruises on their bodies and black eyes. When I saw them later with pregnancy, in my young mind, I wondered: I thought this woman and her husband were always fighting. How come she’s pregnant? Do couples who are fighting still engage in the business of baby making? The case of the driver might be different. A famous writer said when a man gets an erection his brain goes on recess. Maybe when his wife reaches out to him, his brain goes on recess. He forgets all the beating and humiliation and gets down to business. I am assuming they engage in conjugal activities because they have children. But what about women who are the main victims of physical abuse in marriages? Maybe when their husbands reach out to them, they also get aroused and their brains go on recess. They forget all the battering. Or is it fear of receiving more battering if they refused their husbands’ advances?Anyway, my position is known to people who have been following this column: zero tolerance for physical abuse in marriage. Under no circumstances should you hit or inflict physical injuries on your spouse. I would rather walk out of my marriage than hit my wife, no matter what she did. I have an aversion for physical abuse in marriage. But I also know that each married person has the option to continue with an abusive marriage or take a walk. If you choose to stay, remember that abusive marriages have claimed lives of those who stayed back in the past and they will continue to claim more lives in future.Some people argue that marriage is “till death do us part.” Yes, I believe in the indissolubility of marriage. That is why I am in my 28th year of marriage and matching on. But we need to understand the meaning of “till death do us part.” It means until one spouse dies “naturally.” It does not include killing a spouse. If you have lost a loved one, you will be interested in the marriage of a loved one who is in an abusive marriage. You need to intervene.
INTERVENTION is different from INTERFERENCE. Intervention is getting involved in a positive way, while interference if getting involved for negative reasons. Intervention is good if the abuses will stop. A marriage that can potentially take the life of one spouse in a violent way is not worth it.The driver also faces emotional abuse in his marriage. The effects of emotional abuse are as deadly as physical abuse. Emotional abuse can come in form of humiliation, harassment, bullying, threats, yelling, cursing, denigrating, name-calling, coercion, isolation, gaslighting, ignoring, manipulation, etc. In secondary school, we used to have informal competitions.
The competitors give each other knocks on the head or slaps until one person surrenders. Each knock or slap was followed by an echo from the spectators: “erua ye miavwan” (loosely translated, it means there is no physical injury – blood – but it’s painful). That is the difference between physical abuse and emotional abuse. You see the evidence of physical abuse. Emotional abuse is latent, but equally devastating. I know wives and husbands who have died due to emotional abuse. One woman was the breadwinner of the house. All she wanted from the husband was appreciation. Rather, the husband was not only ungrateful but verbally abusive. The woman died of high blood pressure. In another case, a man died after he lost his job because he could not withstand his wife’s insults, humiliations and infidelity. Both physical and emotional abuses can result in the death of the victim.
The Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act 2015 aims at eliminating violence against individuals, particularly gender-based violence, and providing protection and remedies for victims in Nigeria. In the case of physical abuse, it is easy to apply this law and get justice, but what about emotional abuses? It will be difficult to get conviction. Death from physical or emotional abuse; the family loses a son or daughter. That is the bottom-line.Please note: sexual abuse as used here means when a spouse uses sex as a weapon or bargaining tool in marriage. In marriage sex should be freely given because the body belongs to you and your spouse.
By financial abuse, I mean when money is used as a weapon to control a spouse or subject a spouse to a demeaning treatment, etc.Marriage is great. I will go into it over and over again with my wife. I love the institution. But truth be told, marriage is full of sh*t. That is why every literature on successful marriages you come across will contain items like patience, tolerance, managing your difference, forgiveness, empathic communication, commitment, love, etc. These are some of the antidotes you need to deal with the sh*t that marriage throws at you. I love marriage, but let’s be real. I get irritated with the sugarcoating.
