By Ese Ikefe
When a woman cries in public, she elicits pity and is usually consoled. She asks questions and is given help. Friends come to her, and loved ones call her on the phone several times. There is a common understanding that women may be open about their feelings. But, when a man collapses, there are different responses. People become uncomfortable. Some say he’s a wimp, others tell him to “man up” or “handle it like a man.” That is what makes many men put up with their suffering silently.
The truth that we tend not to hear is that we are the ones who have heavy emotional, financial and societal burden with little emotional support. Despite this, society still expects us to be strong when put to the test. Everyone was taught not to show the signs of pain, from a young age. The only message was: No crying and no complaining. Men were taught to cover-up their feelings and emotions, but the female gender were taught to speak up. With the passage of time, silence became a part of men.
You may feel like you are in a financial bind, emotionally drained, and even mentally drained, but come time to bed at night and you pretend everything is okay because no one wants to hear about your problems. I have watched many men take their problems inside their own heads, rather than bring them out. Women tend to be more open about talking and more emotional in expressing reassurance; many men are not that kind of talkers.
Even in male friendships, the topics of conversation are usually about football, work, money or jokes – not emotional problems. I have been in rooms where nobody said they were mentally fatigued. This is the one thing that most men fail to face but are troubled inside, and show it on the surface.
A marriage counsellor, Ojonimi Ojotule, who spoke with The Guardian Nigeria, said this is the reality.
“Men don’t talk about their feelings, they don’t show emotion, one of the reasons why they have a higher rate of suicidal tendencies.”
It’s what many men encounter, but may not put into words. Men are taught to carry burdens in society, but not how to let them down emotionally. However, there are never-ending burdens. Men are expected to be able to contribute monetarily even in difficult times; be emotionally stable in the face of personal difficulties; and solve problems without displaying fear, sadness, or fatigue. While a man can be out of a job, too much to pay and suffering from depression, still he feels the need to be strong because others need him.
The phrase “women are weaker vessels” comes into play here. In practice, it has enabled women to be vulnerable and not lesser. It’s okay for a lady to admit she’s fed up or exhausted and still get sympathy and support. It’s the opposite for men. Being the “strong vessel” means being visibly in pain. This can raise doubts about a man’s manliness or trustworthiness. Strangely, strength becomes a burden. A lot of men end up carrying it all by themselves, but they still appear polite.
I think that’s what society does best, without keeping in mind the pains of men, and that’s my own personal opinion. If a guy makes poor financial decisions, people will quickly discover it, but if he is emotionally drained, they will not. The hallmark of a man is endurance, but they’re seldom asked what it costs their minds. We often identify our worth with success, and when we don’t succeed, we think we are a failure, despite doing our best.
Ojotule also said: “Most men never saw their fathers cry, so they will learn to believe that strength is silence.”
It’s a sad reality. A lot of men don’t ask for help. They have been inculcated with the lesson that they have to survive alone. Opening only when the pressure is too great, and when the time is right, the damage is far too great. This silence leads to increased depression, substance abuse and suicides in men.
There are some men who seem to be cold and emotionless because they have been suppressing their emotions for years. Relationships aren’t spared either with many women saying that men are not emotionally available, unaware that they did not learn to express feelings.
The irony is that many men are in need of emotional support but they aren’t asking for it because they are afraid of being judged. It’s okay, society says, for men to share their feelings, but it’s still funny to be vulnerable. It’s easy to get laughed at for openly crying, particularly on social media.
Pretense goes on and on with so many men. They laugh in public, but suffer in private. They shoulder their burden in silence, thinking that nobody cares about their suffering. The reality is, though, that before men are providers or protectors, they are human beings.
We get stressed out and frightened and tired as well. We have been taught to conceal our feelings and many of us have it all by themselves. This doesn’t negate women’s struggle… but it does show that sometimes men are missing out on safe emotional space.
The society should not mistake silent strength for weakness. The male gender needs to be educated that showing feelings doesn’t take away any of their masculinity. Being vulnerable isn’t a weakness. It’s something that should be treated with respect.
Outside, a man must seem very strong, but no one can take everything by himself.
