By Benjamin Inana
I saw a comment on one of the threads I commented on yesterday. According to the commenter, God is not in support of leaving marriage for whatsoever reason, that, once you are married, you are married forever.
To most of us, marriage is a death sentence.
There is no one on Facebook that does not have a female as a friend, sister, mother, aunt or someone dear to him or her. Assuming one of those persons dear to you, gets married and because of the ill treatment, very ill treatment melted on her(I am using female as an example because, they are the most victimized. I am not saying men don’t get ill treatment from their wives), all she has been experiencing since she got married are pains, tears, anguish and anything pain related, will you tell her to stay in such marriage till death do her and the husband part? Mind you, she has endured for more than a year. She is a Christian, she has prayed, she has put in all the strategies she possible could employ to make her husband change. The last time she smiled was the first two months of their marriage. Note also that, their marriage is almost two years now.
In this part of the world(Africa), marriage vows is a ticket to misbehaving in marriage. It is the first class ticket to bearing endless pains because, we are very much aware of the, ’till death do us part’ part of the marriage (wedding) vows. Since in some types of marriages , ’till death do us part’ is not included, we would opt for the ones that that have that assertion. That is the best way we can trap our partners down and deal with them because, we know they cannot be bold enough to break the marriage vows. We know they cannot dare to offend God by walking out. Even when they somehow summon the courage to walk out, we would need to refresh their memories about, ‘Till death do us part.’ We are very much aware of how the officiating Minister who anchored the marriage would feel, if they get to hear that, our partners want to break our marriage vows. They would be very disappointed. We know how much they would want to talk sense into our partner’s head if they wish to leave. So, we would invite the officiating minister. We would make them our advocates. We know they won’t disappoint us. Like expected, they would come into the picture and sit our partners down. They would advice her to shun the devil. They would advice her to fast and pray once more. Because our partners won’t want to offend the officiating minister, they would stay and pray as directed. They would pray until something happens, but after the prayers, nothing would instantaneously happen. They would persevere and wait.
Although the prayers won’t magically take their pains away. As they wait for answers, it won’t stop them from thinking. It won’t stop them from crying and practically causing flood with their tears. Maybe, they would die due to H.B.P or any illness cause by incessant thinking. The news of their death would reach the officiating ministers. Alas, they would say, ‘God’s will has been done’ because, death has separated them.
During the burial of the deceased, their family would be consoled with, ‘No one can question God. It is God that give and same Him that take.’ At the end of the day, we would in unison echo, ‘Amen’ to ‘May her soul rest in peace ‘. At that point, we may mourn them for two months or less, then remarry if we wish to.
It is written that, after the death of our partners, we are free to remarry if we want to. If we remarry, we have fulfilled the scripture.
That would be end.
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Let’s talk about the marriage vows proper without sentiments.
“I, ______, take you, ______, to be my wedded wife/husband, and I do promise and covenant, before God and these witnesses, to be your loving and faithful husband/wife, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.”
In the marriage vows, before the man and the woman would stick to each other in sickness and in health, in joy and sorrow, in plenty and in lack till death do them part, there is an obligation for the wife to the husband, and from the husband to the wife. That obligation is to LOVE. Do note that, another word for love as it relates to a woman in marriage is ‘Submission’. A woman can’t submit to a man he does not love. In fact, that is the binding tool to other parts of the vow.
Do we remember that part when we advise people to pray and stay so long the partner is alive? Do we remind the ones melting pains on the other of their obligation?
Marriage vows is more like a life contract, and the one thing that makes the contract valid is mutual LOVE(Mutual because both parties are involved in the profession).
In my little understanding, if the partners fail to LOVE (love here covers everything that they should do to make each other happy) each other, the other parts of the vow is already breached. If you like you can call it, ’causes and effects’ or ‘action and consequence(s)’. The one who fail to love the other has broken the vow, and it would be a thing of ‘choice’ for the one who is not loved to stay till death do them part or not.
The condition to staying in sickness and heath, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow till death do them part is LOVE. If the love part is missing , staying till death do them part becomes questionable.
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In a nutshell, if you want your partner to stay with you till death do you part, you must be willing and able to fulfil your obligation of LOVE. His/her staying shouldn’t be an automatic thing.
The last time I checked, God gave us FREEWILL. Such freewill is not restricted to only some areas of life. It is all encompassing. It is okay, if people choose to stay against all odds, as it is okay for them to leave when the marriage is no longer safe for them after all said and done.
Marriage is good, but staying alive and having the chance to be happy is better.
Learn how to respect people’s choice of leaving, workout tying them down with, ‘For better for worse, till death do them part’ segment of the Marriage Vows.
Benjamin Inana is a weekly relationship coach and columnist for NIGER DELTA TODAY Online. He can be reached on Email: inanabenjamin1@gmail.com and Tele: 07033660336.
